Today Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" was on John 4:14
John 4:14
But whoever drinks of this water which I will give to him will never be thirsty for eternity, but the water which I will give to him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”
Being autistic and growing up in the Church led to a few acute pain points for me growing up. A commonplace issue for me was when theological truths were expressed in absolute terms but didn't "feel absolutely true" for me. I made a practice of trying to force myself to just "be ok" in light of the truth.
A Memory
Marissa was one of my best friends in high school - we spent a lot of time together in church, school, extra-curriculars, etc. She was an ever-present friend to me even when I was difficult to love. I recall multiple times, and one vivid memory for sure where I wasn't doing well and she inquired. But my response was "I have Jesus, so I have to be OK". I tried to filter my immediate acute pain through the lens of eternal glory. And yes, Paul muses in this fashion as well, but Paul wasn't a 16 year old undiagnosed autistic... Was everythign going to be alright in the end when I was 16? Oh ya, but was everything all right then? No... Marissa was a great friend, and Jesus has been sweet to me in this struggle, but nonetheless it would've been awesome if someone recognized the pain I was in with the wisdom to address me back then.
Today, one of those truths comes up but it is not painful - it is so relieving
The heart is as insatiable as the grave until Jesus enters it
Yesterday God brought me a truth that he sustains me unto his own service - reflection-1-kings-19-8. And today I'm reminded that on his sustenance I will "never thirst". But of course this isn't a plain and simple truth. I thirst for grace more and more every day, but what I'm finding in the season of ending Summer 2025, post/present-multiple years of political awareness, and near-hatred for my financial reliance on some other guy's company that my heart wants for much right now, but even in that wanting this truth rests softly on me that Jesus is and ought to be enough. I can be resistant to this out of fear of losing a drive to provide more and more for my family. Contentedness is certainly a gift from God, but as I've been reflecting I see fear in my heart... As I've rejected the truth that "Jesus is enough" my heart longs for satisfaction, and when I get in my own way then fear and sin creep in.
For me and my reflection right now the competing ideas are building financial wealth for myself and my family out of a desire for freedom from a system that I don't like, but also... isn't Jesus enough? My heart is in the same cunundrum as I was in at 16 when asked "are you OK?". But with wisdom, experince, and perspective I guess the tension isn't uncomfortable anymore (not that I'm living in the tension perfectly). There's work for Jesus to do on my heart, and yet I know the work he has done and that proves his faithfulness to me to not leave me unfinished.
As he works on me, I have day-to-day choices to make.
- Whom will I serve?
- What will fill my heart?
- Will what I fill it with satisfy or like a glass of salt-water at sea leave me worse-off in the end?
Jesus has been good to me in ushering my heart through truths like this where there's an "already but not yet" element to them. Jesus fully satisfies my heart, this is true. It's also true that I'm still a sinner. I don't feel like I always only thirst for more of my Lord - today I thirst for a larger retirement account and assets to financially support me for the next 20 years... is this wrong? I don't think so, not with appropriate perspective. And I've been feeling more and more in the last few weeks that Jesus is restoring me unto a new season of service and work. I don't know what it'll look like and accepting a murky future feels scary, but in the light of the Son - by whose grace my lungs fill with air as I type - I can walk and work with plans that change knowing my faithful God satisfies.